The last people you’d think would make you feel shitty about yourself are your own parents.
That opening came out strong but that’s the truth isn’t it? We came out of our mother’s womb. We are supposed to feel protected by our fathers. Instead of feeling loved and cared for, I felt like a burden. It was in the month of February in 2018 when I realized that my father never loved me. I was simply a pawn in his game of chess.
I have five older siblings. They’re my half-siblings. For a very long time I never saw them as “half-siblings” they were simply my siblings. I didn’t understand why I never saw my older siblings that often. I just knew that my father didn’t like their mother. For a very long time my father made me feel like I needed to dislike my siblings because they refused to live with him and cut off all ties with their mother. That’s quite the life to live at a young age.
Fast forward to the age of 26. My relationship with my older siblings aren’t great and it never was and probably never will be. And I am okay. My father was using me as a pawn to shove it in his older children’s face. How? Well let me share my theory. My father wanted to show my siblings that if they would have chosen him over their mother then they would be successful. He was banking on me to become a super millionaire. That way he could say, ‘See if you were to have chosen to live with me and forget about your mother you could be as successful as her.’
I’m 26 and nowhere near the type of success he approves of. I am the first to graduate high school and the first to attend college and graduate with a degree. But I know deep down in my heart that my father didn’t care because I’m not rich. He wanted to use me to stick it to my siblings. Unfortunately he couldn’t use me. Unfortunately I’m just a “disappointment”, “disgrace”, “disrespectful”, “stupid”, “dumb”. Nothing I have done or could do will ever impress my father. As sad as that may sound, I know there are so many other people who have been mentally abused in this way – their parents.
There’s so much more I’d wish to say but I might just leave that for my book. This conclusion is definitely heartbreaking but it’s my reality. My father couldn’t use me to win over my older siblings so I’m useless and worthless in his eyes.
But I know I’m none of what he thinks of me.