Have you ever felt like there’s a constant wind of negativity blowing against you? Let’s say you have your big puffy coat of positivity, your ear muffs of affirmations, your scarf of happy-go-lucky, and your good mood beanie on. You head outside, walking all warm and comfy maybe even singing a little tune, then a rush of wind starts pushing you. So you pull your coat closed tighter and keep trekking. Then the wind picks up and your beanie falls off. Now your head is cold and it’s hard for you to focus with your head freezing. You still have the rest of your positivity suit on so you continue to walk against the wind. Then eventually the wind becomes so strong that your earmuffs and scarf both fly away. Now you’re ears and face are freezing. You’re just trying to get to your destination but the wind is making you so cold, you cannot focus, all you’re thinking about is how cold you are and how tough it is to walk against wind. You’re quickly growing tired. You want to quit.
That’s how I’m feeling. I am constantly wrapping myself up in my positivity gear and there’s always a wind of negativity following me waiting for the moment, THE MOMENT, I have everything all buttoned up and tight, so it can start to blow it all off. Is this just me having a negative outlook on life? Or is that a good description of how tough life can get sometimes? A little bit of both? I admit, any time things go well, I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall. So I feel like I have to put on this positivity gear often because sometimes, even the weakest wind will knock me out. I put so much energy into making sure my gear stays on that I forget to check how weak the gust of wind actually is.
These past few weeks God has been my safety pin. I am a true believer that God will shake up your world because He wants to save you but it doesn’t always make the change easier. I’ve been on this roller coast for a few weeks now. I have to keep reminding myself to pray and keep my eyes on God. My anxiety has been triggered so much and it’s the worse when I feel like my heart is pumping out of my chest. There are moments where I cry because I’m so worried about how things are going to work out. Other days I’ll quickly remind me that God is not going to give me more than I can bear. What I’ve learned is that coffee is a catalyst for my anxiety. I should really stop drinking coffee. When I feel in my mind that I’ve calmed down, my heart is still racing because of the coffee. I just get so tired in the morning.
Back to my analogy. I’m learning to allow God to calm it all for me. There are too many times where all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry until everything fixes itself but life doesn’t work that way. I’m still learning. I’m still figuring out what it means to put all of my trust in God. I’m still learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I’m still learning that faith without works is dead. I’m just saying on the days where the wind’s force seems much more powerful than mine, I wish God and Jesus were right beside me physically, pushing against it all.